New Mom, New Fears

Happy new year! If you follow me on instagram you know I welcomed my son, Avery, on November 5, 2018. Avery is truly the light of my life but the first three weeks of his life felt like some of my darkest days. Motherhood was nothing like I thought it was going to be at first, it was miserable and downright difficult. My first struggle was breastfeeding. Avery had a hard time latching on and whenever he did latch on, I felt excruciating pain. I put him on the breast as much as possible in the hospital but he usually had to be supplemented with formula. Breastfeeding was frustrating for both of us; he cried often because he had a hard time latching on and was hungry. I cried because I felt like I was struggling to give him what he needed. Sometimes he did latch on and would stay on for 30-60 minutes while I cringed from the pain.

Eventually I kept Avery on the breast less and gave him more formula because I couldn't bear the pain, which made me cry even more. I pumped everyday (and still do) but my milk supply was and still is too low to feed him breastmilk only which often made me cry in the first few weeks. I felt like a bad mom because breastfeeding wasn't going well and breast were created to nourish babies. I saw a lactation consultant twice within Avery's first two weeks and thing never got much better. However, I still put him on the breast everyday and keep him on until I can't withstand the pain.

As if breastfeeding wasn't enough of a struggle my baby became super fussy by 5 days old and cried ALOT.  Every time he cried for prolonged periods of time, so did I because it was so hard to calm him. I'll never forgot that one Thursday where he cried for 3 hours straight and my mom was consoling both the baby and I as my head laid on her shoulder while she held him in her arms.

I was so scared of everything those first few weeks and developed anxiety. I was scared to be alone with my baby because it was so hard to console him, scared he would choke (because he choked for the first time at two weeks and it was the scariest moment of my life), scared he would stop breathing in his sleep so I checked his breathing several times throughout the night and missed out on a lot of sleep. My husband, Avery and I spent the first three week's of Avery's life at my mom's house and she helped us so much! When it was time for us to go back to our apartment, I cried. I didn't know how I would manage by myself all day with the baby and I cried as my mom held me in her arms assuring me I would be okay. Those first few days at our home were tough. Avery cried most of the day and there was no help until my husband came home. I called my mom almost every day crying. I felt sad often, but every time I was able to calm my son and watch him lay sweetly in my arms I felt like a winner.

My son is 3.5 months now and he is a healthy, happy and curious baby boy. I'm confident in my abilities as a mother and I'm enjoying motherhood very much. I took these photos during the last few days of my maternity leave when my biggest fear was retuning to work and leaving my baby at daycare. I was dealing with a lot of anxiety around this time, but I took these photos on a day when I felt good. I've been back to work for over a month now and it hasn't been easy, but I know I will be okay. To all the new moms dealing with fear and anxiety, take it one day at a time. Remember that you're doing to best you can!

Dress-Zara | Coat- Zara | Shoes-Target